Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize