Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
