haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
