do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize