OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
