Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
