Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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