rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
