woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
