I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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