ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
