i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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