At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
