I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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