Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
