The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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