2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My underwear smells like fireworks.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just forgot I was standing up.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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