she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm sobbing to NWA
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
