She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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