adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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