You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
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