Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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