so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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