She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
