he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
