yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
