did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
