Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Randomize
