You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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