the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
