When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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