so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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