There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So much rum. So many feels.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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