I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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