i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
