I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
