I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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