Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
