It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
