Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
