I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
