The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
