The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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