I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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