Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
