I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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