nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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