Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize