We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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