I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
