dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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