Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
