I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
