Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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