guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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