my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
