Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
