i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
