If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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