Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Randomize
