So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
