He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
