My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
