If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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