theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So vagazzling was a success
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
