it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
