Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I am one with the molecules
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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