Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
